Wakka Has Puppies
by KaldeaOrchid
Summary: After reading a tabloid article about a man giving birth to kittens, Wakka becomes a little paranoid.
1. Chapter One: The Kicking

Wakka Has Puppies  
By Kaldea Orchid  
  
Chapter One: The Kicking  
  
Rating: PG. Some things not suitable for children. Hints thrown here and there. Really not for the eyes of anyone under 13, but doesn't contain any cursing, etc.  
  
  
"Look at this, ya."   
Wakka and Tidus were standing in line at the Famous Sublime Spira World Grocery Shopping Center of Bevelle. They didn't exactly want to be there, but decided it was the lesser of two evils. Lulu had asked them both to buy a certain item for her while she stayed at home taking Midol. (Yes, I can hear you all of you groaning with disgust now. Muahahaha).  
Wakka held up the cover of the Spira Globe Enquirer to Tidus.   
"Man gives birth to kittens." Tidus read aloud and laughed.  
"That's weird, ya?" Wakka asked innocently.  
"Yeah, and it's not real, Wakka."   
"Hey! It could be. Anything is possible!" Wakka sounded hurt.  
"Heh. I guess."  
Wakka took the newspaper and put it on the conveyor belt along with Lulu's item. The bagboy looked at Waka and Tidus with sympathy after they spoke to him shortly about why they were there that night. "That's why I'm glad I don't have a girlfriend."  
  
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"Lulu! We're home!" Tidus cried out.  
Her voice carried from the living room. "It's about time!"  
"Here, Lu." Wakka tossed her the item they had bought.  
"Thank you." She said, as she opened the pack and took one out. She promptly stuffed it in her mouth. She handed another one to Wakka. "Would you like one, Tidus?"  
"Nah. Sorry, I don't really like those Mini Cheesecake bars," He answered.  
"Suit yourself."  
"Hey, Lu! Guess what me and Tidus picked up!" He held up the Spira Globe Enquirer and tossed it in her lap. "Man gives birth to kittens, ya!"   
"Wakka..." Lulu narrowed her eyebrows. "You don't believe this, do you?"  
"Of course I do! It's in print, so it's gotta be true!" He snatched the magazine back and turned to the page the story was on. "Hear this..."  
"Wakka, I'm not interested." Lulu sighed and ate another Mini Cheesecake Bar.  
"Fine. Be that way, then."   
Wakka walked outside, kicking the dirt as he made his way to his favorite spot on the island of besaid: a cliff overlooking a spring below it. He often liked to go there when he was upset, or wanted to be alone. He went there when Chappu died. He went there when Tidus proposed to Lulu. He was there now.  
"No one cares, you know? It don't matter if I jump down there. They don't care. Seems to me there's not much reason to keep going, ya? I--" He was interupted by a strange kicking feeling coming from his stomach. "That's strange...ya?" He paused and thought. "Nah, I'm probably just hungry. I'd better head back to th' house."   
  
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"Lu, I'm back!" Wakka called out.  
"That's nice." She said without feeling. Wakka was used to it.  
"So... are we having dinner tonight?" He asked her, hesitating on each word.  
"Sandwiches for you. Tidus and I are going out." She answered.  
"But Lulu, you know how much I ha..."   
"Then don't eat them. Provide for yourself for once. I, for one, am tired of taking care of you."   
"Sheesh, Lu. You didn't have to be so blunt, ya?"  
"With you, I do." Lulu left the room with Tidus at her heels.  
  
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'Man, I'm hungry.' Wakka thought as he made his way over to the refrigerator. He opened the door and looked inside, opening the vegetable drawer where Lulu kept the bologna. He checked the expiration date. "Only five days ago." He said to himself. He took five sliced and piled them between two pieces of bread.  
"It may not be good... but it's food, ya?" He told himself, trying to pretend that the bologna sandwich was Besaid's Famous Pizza.   
After stuffing it in his mouth, he poured himself a glass of water and made his way to his bedroom. He figured he might as well sleep. It might ease the pain of loneliness. 


	2. Chapter Two: Morning Sickness

Wakka was caked in sweat. He had spent the past hour in the bathroom throwing up the remnants of last night's meal. It was so bad that even Lulu felt sorry for the poor guy, and came in to check on him from time to time. She even felt guilty for being annoyed at him before she and Tidus went out. If she could have just made him something before they left, he might not be in the condition he was in.  
  
Tidus, however, felt no guilt at all, and sat watching a blitzball game on a new imaging device (something like a television) bought from Al Bhed merchants. Spira sure had changed, with supermarkets, fast food, and all sorts of new technology. I digress, though.   
  
After a while, Wakka felt well enough to stand, and sat down in the living area. He sighed heavily as his favorite blue armchair embraced him. As soon as he had made himself comfortable, he lifted his head back and swallowed. Tidus grinned at the picture of a suffering Wakka.   
  
"Hey Wakka!" Tidus said, barely stifling his laughter.  
  
"What is it, ya?" He was in no mood for fun and games, and pressed his eyes shut, trying to make the world go away.  
  
"Maybe it's morning sickness!" Tidus burst into a fit of laughter, but Wakka did nothing but frown.  
  
What Tidus said filled him with fear. A fear that reached down into the pit of his stomach and turned it upside down. It did all he could to keep from hurling yet again.   
  
"Leave me alone, ya!"  
  
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"I don't think this is a good idea." Lulu looked over the books, stacked neatly on the bookstore shelves. Anything to keep from looking in Tidus's eyes.  
  
"Oh, come on, Lulu! It's just a joke!" He looked among the books and finally slid one out. "This is it!"  
  
"The New Parent's Guide to Pregnancy." Lulu read the cover and shook her head.   
  
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Meanwhile, Wakka is laying down on his bed, still slightly sick...  
  
"I can't be pregnant, ya!" he said aloud, as he threw a blitzball to the ceiling, nearly denting it. He let the blitzball fall to the floor and roll under the bed as he turned over to reach for the tabloid. "There's gotta be something that can tell me."  
  
And so he read...  
  
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MAN GIVES BIRTH TO KITTENS  
  
In April of this year, Isaaru Kito received a pleasant surprise. He was a father. But not just any father. In the first experiment of its kind, Isaaru was able to physically give birth to a healthy litter of kittens. The pregnancy was a long and hard road, but Isaaru claims it was worth it to hear the mewing cries that April Morning  
"The birth wasn't a difficult one," Isaaru claims. "It was the pregnancy that really put a crimp in my plans. I had to deal with things like morning sickness and back pains. I have a lot more respect for my mother now."  
The kittens, eight in all, have now been split up and sent to good homes, excluding two, who have been sent to the laboratory for further study, and one that Isaaru himself kept. After much thought, he named her Fluffy. This father-daughter duo has been inseparable since the beginning. Isaaru claims he often takes her to work, and has even potty trained her. It is a truly beautiful and unbreakable bond.  
A tearful Isaaru agrees. "Yeah, Fluffy is my pride and joy. I couldn't live without her."   
  
***************  
  
"Morning sickness..." Wakka thought. He didn't like the sound of that. He threw the Spira Globe Enquirer down to the ground and sighed. 


End file.
